I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
