She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
