1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
