He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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