so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
