I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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