she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
