Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
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So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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