life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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