I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
