Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
