Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
