mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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