i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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