I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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