So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
