Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You're like the curious george of whores
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
