apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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