I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
