Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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