fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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