it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
