I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
