Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
