it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
