Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There's a naked man in my car right now.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
