is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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