Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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