We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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