god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
