I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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