I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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