u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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