Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
