he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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