dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
