When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
