well I can't set my house on fire every night
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
