I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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