she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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