I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
