omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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