it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
