I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think i peed on brittanys purse
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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