I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
