I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
