could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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