I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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