I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
