It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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