booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
