Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
