Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
