Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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