I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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