woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
