at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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