Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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