idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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