I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
